The Onion is no stranger to adding bits of esotericism into its repertoire of potty humor. They’ve featured fake covers graced by Slavoj Zizek and the headline “10 Ways to Wow Slovenian Philosopher Slavoj Zizek in Bed,” and covered the facetious “Fat is Dead” diet book written by Friedrich Nietzsche.

The parody news source has tackled the thinker of nihilism once again with their latest story: “Kidnapped Teen Freed, Though Freedom Is Its Own Kind Of Prison, Is It Not?”

We’re just happy our little girl is alive,” said Jessica’s father, Michael Paulsen, as though the state of being alive were itself a sufficient cause for happiness and not a prison of its own, at least in a phenomenological sense. “There were some days when I honestly thought I would never see her again.”

“These last few weeks have been a living nightmare,” he added, failing to adequately wrestle with the themes of impermanence and meaninglessness that have troubled theologians and philosophers for millennia.

The article soon afterwards devolves into a conversation about the work of Hegel, Berlin, and Nietzsche. It is incredible.

Read the full article at The Onion.

[H/T Leiter Reports]